Instant Replay: The Best Soap Quotes of the Week, From Bad Dad Jokes to ‘Bootylicious Voldemort’ (2024)

But Is He A Lord?

MEGAN: People seem to have gotten the wrong idea about [Dimitri]. They think he’s some kind of monster!

LEO: He is! He’s like a bootylicious Voldemort.

—Days of Our Lives

That One Bombed

NICK: You know Faith, you’ve been gone at school so long you’ve missed some of my new material. Two guys walk into a bar… the third guy ducked. Get it?

FAITH: Dad…

NICK: Right, right you’re not supposed to laugh or even move.

FAITH: That’s not why I didn’t laugh.

SHARON: No one would laugh at that.

—Young & Restless

Own It!

CARTER: I’m not trying to get in your business…

RIDGE: Oh, dude, you’re in my business.

CARTER: Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing!

—Bold & Beautiful

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

CURTIS: Portia, Jordan made me realize how much I want to give our marriage a second chance.

PORTIA: Oh my goodness, lucky me! No, wait, let me send her a card and thank her!

CURTIS: That came out wrong…

— General Hospital

Movie Night

XANDER: Maybe there’s something on telly.

CHLOE: Ah, okay. Just no love stories.

XANDER: Definitely not.

CHLOE: How about an action-adventure with a creepy villain who gets what’s coming to him in the end.

XANDER: That kinda hits a little close to home for me…

—Days of Our Lives

Close Call

NICK: We know as well as anyone losing a kid is just the worst thing in the world.

SHARON: We came very close to that again last night.

NICK: But we didn’t, ’cause you’re a bad-ass mama bear who did what she needed to do to save our daughter!

—Young & Restless

Breakfast of Champions

CODY: It’s for your benefit.

GLADYS: Okay, what’s to my benefit is a strawberry daquiri by the Metro Court pool.

CODY: Huh. Before breakfast. That’s, uh, classy.

GLADYS: There’s fruit in it.

—General Hospital

Two Of A Kind

BROOKE: It’s always stunning.

RIDGE: It’s majestic.

BROOKE: Hard to imagine it’s been there for thousands of years.

RIDGE: Battered and worn, just like me!

—Bold & Beautiful

All The World’s A Stage

T.J.: As your mom and Miss Quartermaine know, Ned is calling himself “Eddie Maine.” Is that name familiar to you

OLIVIA: Well, it was his stage name.

T.J.: Ned was an actor?

TRACY: No! Small mercies!

—General Hospital

Guess He’s Not a Fan

MEGAN: I hope I’ve addressed your concerns, Mr. Stark, regarding my son’s intentions with your friend.

LEO: Addressed my concerns? How? By bragging that your son is charming, charismatic and honest to a fault? Well, you didn’t say that, but it was in the subtext. And it did nothing to reassure me because A) He’s scary and creepy, and so are you, and B) You two are honest like I’m straight… and tall!

—Days of Our Lives

Naming Names

ZELDA: Let me guess. More drama between Ashley and Jack!

TRACI: On the nose! It’s endless. This particular battle is over their romantic partners.

ZELDA: Tucker “Love-’em-and-leave-em” McCall and Diane “not-dead-after-all” Jenkins?

—Young & Restless

Toga! Toga!

BROOKE: You’re going to put on a Roman suit of armor, and you’re going to model with me.

RIDGE: Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

BROOKE: Oh, wait, better yet, you’re going to wear a Roman toga and you’re going to just totally tittilate the ladies!

RIDGE: No one needs to see that.

BROOKE: I want to see that!

—Bold & Beautiful

Hey, You Asked!

TRACY: Leo, what do you know about me?

LEO: You’re mean!

—General Hospital

Sponsored By…

STEVE: Let me tell you something. The cheese balances out the heat. Trust me. It’s a very complex flavor profile.

KAYLA: Did you just say “flavor profile”?

STEVE: Well, yeah, I’ve been binging Top Chef on Peaco*ck. It’s really expanded my culinary horizons!

—Days of Our Lives

Priorities!

GLADYS: I’ll let you talk confidential business. I have an important meeting… with a co*cktail! (Exits)

SASHA: I’m sure Gladys didn’t mean to be rude. Actually, she probably did. I apologize on her behalf.

—General Hospital

Family Feud

TRACI: So hopefully we’ve found enough common ground to even consider the possibility of resolving our differences.

JACK: Right now, I would settle for not constantly being at each other’s throats.

ASHLEY: Aim high, Jack!

TRACI: I don’t know, co-existing without bloodshed? That seems like a lofty goal!

—Young & Restless

Coffee Run

AVA: Let’s go get a latte, huh?

NINA: I thought we were going for a run!

AVA: I only agreed to that because I thought you’d have broken up with Sonny and would need the endorphines, but you clearly don’t need the endorphines and I definitely need caffeine!

—General Hospital

Anything But That!

ALEX: It’s not like Maggie getting even is like Uncle Vic getting even. I mean, really Brady, what the hell’s she gonna do? Cut off our lemon bars?

—Days of Our Lives

Sex Ed

ALEXIS: I know that [surrogacy] is now how you and Molly imagined having a baby.

TJ: It sure isn’t. The funny thing is, ever since we were teenagers, we’ve been told, “Don’t have sex! You could get pregnant!”

ALEXIS: Did you hear that from anyone else besides me, or was I the lone voice in the wilderness?

TJ: It feels like everybody, but…

ALEXIS: But mine was the loudest? It happens often!

—General Hospital

Talkin’ Crap

SASHA: Cody has a gift for calming people down. Must come from working with horses.

GLADYS: Please. The only thing worse than horse crap is the person who shovels it!

—General Hospital

More, More, More!

We read somewhere that laughter is the best exercise. What’s that? It’s the bestmedicine? Well, we like our version of the saying better… so we’re going to keep the fun going with quotes from the past week or two you may have missed. Perhaps we can laugh our way to abs like the ones on display here!

‘Can I Get That To Go?’

SUMMER: I really just wanted to get some chamomile tea without all the attitude, so if I could just do that please…

MARIAH: Yeah, I can’t see that happening.

—Young & Restless

In A Nutshell!

BROOK LYNN: Unfortunately, you met my grandmother on a bad day.

CODY: Is this the part where you tell me her bark is worse than her bite?

BROOK LYNN: Oh, no, they’re both bad. But that’s Tracy. She’ll stick the screws to ya’ and come through for ya’ in equal measure.

CODY: Translation… she’s a Quartermaine.

—General Hospital

The Blame Game

BONNIE: This is all your fault, anyway.

JUSTIN: My fault?

BONNIE: Yes, your fault! I was a much better liar before I fell in love with you. Now I’m out of practice!

—Days of Our Lives

Mean Girls Rock

AUSTIN: Believe it or not, I am trying to protect you!

AVA: Why?

AUSTIN: Okay, well… you’re not boring, are you? Ava, you’re never boring, even when you’re at your worst. And when you’re at your best, you say mean things that make me want to hear you say more mean things. It’s true. You get me right here, it’s like the burn you get after a strong drink.

AVA: Comparing me to co*cktails. You trying to flatter me or something?

—General Hospital

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

EJ: Megan is still fixated on Bo Brady, and Kristen is obsessed with Brady Black. I doubt that they are in any shape to make any major moves.

GABI: Wrong! Unlike men, women are excellent multitaskers, and those two are no exception. They can chew gum and walk all over you at the same time, believe me!

—Days of Our Lves